This post is a departure from our usually light-hearted ramblings. But it's been on my mind and I wanted to share...
I am a perfectionist. I always have been. In school I wasn't the smartest kid, but I always wanted to do everything well so I worked hard and was successful in school. In basketball I wasn't the best athlete but I wanted to do my job on the court correctly so I busted myself day in and day out to play hard so I could be a quality player. When I reflect, these are just small examples of the pattern that has dominated my life: a quest for perfection.
And in some ways this has been a very beneficial thing. It has led me to be successful and has allowed me to earn respect from my peers. I like doing things excellently.
However, this is where it gets ugly...we are not perfect people. No matter how hard I try and no matter how much I work I will never be perfect. Most days I don't realize this because in my little bubble of self-controlled success I seem to be keeping everything together. But over the past week or so I've seen the really ugly side of being a perfectionist (dare I say, the sinful side of it).
As of this week I have new responsibilities at school. I am now the head basketball coach and I am also teaching a new higher level history course. Now four out of five of the classes I teach are all different; two of which I've never taught before, and add to all that coaching basketball Tuesday-Friday (and most Saturdays). This is a lot. I'm overwhelmed and burdened.
In my heart I truly believe that it's going to be okay. God does not give us more than we can handle. I can do this. But in my mind I'm going crazy. Why? Because now there is so much on my plate...so much I can't control...so much that I feel incompetent in that I just keep asking the question, "How can I do all of this excellently?" And the answer is, I can't. There is no way I can do everything at the level I want to because there just isn't enough time in the day.
In this situation I am really realizing how much all of this is out of my control. And I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to do all these things perfectly on my own. Thus, I'm scared. I am scared of failing, scared of not being good enough, scared of letting go of the illusion that I can do it all well on my own. Perfectionism is showing itself as my enemy.
I know Jesus is in this. I know God is in control. I know that this situation is revealing how much I find my worth in success and what people think (I hate that that is true). It's just hard. It's hard to let go of perfectionism, it's hard to not fear failure when you've done so you're whole life....I guess life lessons are just hard. But I know in the end its worth it.
Following Jesus is not easy, but it's worth it.
3 comments:
thanks for the honesty. you are great.
i know what you mean, and you aren't alone. your words were encouraging to me. thanks for sharing!
Bonnie-
I totally appreciate this realization that you're coming to. It's to your great credit that you take such pride in everything that you do that doing it well means so much.
All I can say is, teachers are often asked (explicitly and implicitly) to sacrifice themselves for their jobs-- to "do it for the kids." It's the same kind of pressure, I would imagine, that some parents put on themselves in raising children.
But in all of this, you have to remember that what's good for you will be good for your students, players, etc-- and what's too much for you will hurt them as well. So you've got to make sure to always negotiate for what's best for you-- including saying "no" to new responsibilities when you're maxed out.
We love you-- hang in there-- write anytime.
Post a Comment